You Look Terrible, East Coast Version

The roster pictures are terrible, there's no respite.

Why does Milan Lucic look like a hustler out to separate fools from their money? It's the hair, isn't it? Can the Bruins all pitch in to get Peter Schaefer a razor with all its parts, so he doesn't miss the one slob under his bottom lip? How about a brush? A cheap one from the grocery store endcap will do. Speaking of folks who need brushes slash haircuts slash a weedwhacker, Toni "Is A Girl's Name" Lydman might be able to lend an ear. (Yes, I know he's Finnish. I really, really don't care.)

Jocelyn Thibault should have left his hair longer. It doesn't look good in a "I have no hair!" type way. But, if your competition looks like this, i.e., horrifying, I can understand the need to separate yourself from him as much as possible. Also in the Tournament of Goalies...poor Martin Brodeur. That picture really has it all--bad hair, terribly stupid expression, looking enormously fat. Tragic. But at least he doesn't look like Satan, which is more than can be said for some people.

The Rangers should just fire whoever does their photography and site design. Michal Rozsival looks like some kind of ogre. Sean Avery is in the running for worst roster picture in the history of the entire league. The hideous Marc Staal looks like something you'd find in a bad 1955 movie about a spunky kid who learns the true secret of happiness while banished to his granddad's old farm. Marc Staal is not the spunky kid, though--he's the creepy, slightly-inbred, dim next-door-neighbor kid that Spunky Kid must befriend. (Who's going to play Spunky Kid, though? Possibly Chris Osgood, who will look eleven until he's eighty, at which point he'll look twelve. That's a good question, really.) Anyway, Marcel Hossa's problem is not the photographer, at any rate, it's whoever does his hair. He's your enemy, Marcel! Stop going to him! For your birthday (in three days), have someone dye your hair back to a shade found in nature!

Sami Kapanen looks more like a frog than anyone I've ever seen. It's okay, though, teammate Martin Biron never has to look at him, because he can blind with the power of his eyes. Have you ever seen anyone look like that in real life? It looks like someone turned the flash up to eleven. And weirdly, Antero Niittymaki looks like the bastard brother of Ilya Kovalchuk. Although, Finland and Russia are neighbors!

Run! Run! It's one of the Children of the Corn! Good thing the Pens also employ someone with a huge number of teeth to keep him in line. On the other hand, they could import someone like Pavel "Funky Cold" Kubina, who would just have to look at someone and they'd be scared straight. Would you second-guess someone with hair like that? No, of course not, because he looks like the Unabomber. Nor would you second-guess someone like Mats Sundin, who is clearly an alien from outer space.

Actually, I do know who's going to play Spunky Kid in my movie. Craig Anderson, of course! He looks sufficiently puzzled most of the time. And he has that added spot of uselessness--I mean, Chicago traded him away for a sixth-round draft pick, so clearly we are not dealing with the very highest echelon of goaltending here.

The Lightning should fire their photographer, too. I know Vincent Lecavalier is not shorter than Marty St. Louis unless there has been some really excellent trick photography for the past few years--so why is there only half a picture there? Why the acres of space above Vinny's head? Vaclav Prospal might look about six minutes away from killing himself, but at least he fills up the frame.

Those photos are depressing. Thank goodness their play makes up for it. (Sometimes. In cases like any member of the Staal family, there is no redeeming feature. And isn't that an ugly thought? The whole concept makes me want to never leave my home for fear I might run across a marauding Staal brother ready to eat my brain.)