25 March 2008

The Ides of March have come...and gone...but things still suck

Sigh. I don't know if you've noticed, but the Sens, after having a brief resurgence, seem to have decided that the season is as good as over and they are bound for sunny Mexico or Florida or Arizona or wherever they want to go in just a couple of weeks. I, and many many many other Sens fans, are not so pleased with this idea. Look, I understand that the weather has been just godawful, and the high today was 0 and it's snowing again when usually by this time it's 7 on a regular basis, but...okay. Really. And, AND, Eugene Melnyk, the owner of the Sens, is getting into hot water with the Securities and Exchange Commission, proving that when it rains it pours for this organization.

So, to cheer myself up, I've concocted a list of Headlines That Could Possibly Make This Slump Worse. (Um, these are all NOT TRUE NOT TRUE NOT TRUE.) (Yet.) (Thank goodness.)

Martin Gerber Quits Team To Seek "More Rewarding" Career As Astronaut

Ray Emery Quits Team To Seek "More Lucrative" Career As Model
(ok, well, this one would bring a lot of visual joy into my life. That's all, though.)

Anton Volchenkov Discovered To Be Communist Agent Sent To Infiltrate Canada. Volchenkov, 26, said to "pummel" his intellectual opponents. He declined to comment.

Wade Redden Decides Hockey Career Meaningless, Returns to Lloydminster To Family Farm. Mr Redden, winner of the 1987 Lloydminster 4-H "Best In Show" ribbon for his prize calf, Bossy, is trying to seek out the "simple life" after making millions of dollars as a professional hockey player. Lloydminster Daily Telegraph.

Christoph Schubert Injured In Freak Schnitzel Accident. Schubert will be sidelined indefinitely after being tragically injured in a freak schnitzel-eating incident Monday, March 25th. "Don't ask me, I don't even know," Schubert said.

Luke Richardson Breaks Hip Executing In-Depth Stretching Routine. "I told him that was dangerous!" the Senators training staff howled as one as Richardson was taken to the hospital. "He's not twenty anymore! You can't DO that!"

Andrej Meszaros Accidentally Walks Off Cliff.

Chris Phillips Cuts Off Hand While Doing Minor Home Repairs--Expected To Be Out 6-8 Weeks. Phillips, an amateur handyman, built his entire neighborhood from scratch. Last night, however, replacing a lightbulb proved to be his Waterloo as a broken shard of glass took his whole hand clean off.

Mike Commodore Sells Out, Agrees To Wear Number 64 In Return for Lucrative Ad Campaign. (What am I talking about? This news would fill me with glee!)

Popular Winger Shean Donovan Quits Team To Produce His Own Reality Show. The show, imaginatively titled "The Shean Donovan Reality Show," will focus on Donovan's mishaps in his daily life. Its first episode, slated to air at 9 AM Monday morning, will be entitled "Shean Donovan Goes To the Grocery Store And They're Out of Canned Tomatoes."

Dany Heatley Out For 16 Weeks While Getting Bionic Teeth Implanted. This experimental process carries with it a high risk, but also has the added benefit of being able to channel XM radio through the bionic false teeth.

Jason Spezza Misses Six Weeks While In Intensive Learn-To-Read Program.

Mike Fisher Quits Team to Become Full-Time Hockey Preacher.
(Actually, this one would also make me deliriously happy, just to get this @%#&#@* off my team. What he does on his own damn time is his own damn business.)

Randy Robitaille Inserts No-Trade Clause Into His Contract

Martin Lapointe Declares Team "Hopeless," Seeks Counsel With Legendary Detroit Red Wing Steve Yzerman

Chris Neil Suffers Yet Another Random Accident

Dean McAmmond Retires Early To Become Motivational Speaker.
His first clients will be his old teammates, the Ottawa Senators, who stand to benefit quite a lot from his speech.

Brian McGrattan Discovered To Be Physically Incapable Of Scoring Goals.
(That would explain a LOT.)

Antoine Vermette Suffers Critical Hair Injury; Out 4-6 Weeks For Repairs

Daniel Alfredsson "Gives Up" On Team, Flees To Sweden With Wife and Children.
"You people! I can't do this any more! You make me crazy!"

03 March 2008

It's a car, not a Life-Maintaining Device

Yeah, you've done it--left your car running while you went in to return a movie or something. But there's a good reason why you're not supposed to leave your car on while you do an errand that takes more than 2.5 seconds to complete--a reason I think Dion Phaneuf could tell you a thing or two about, after he got his SUV stolen while he went into Starbucks. I would be lying if I told you I didn't absolutely laugh my face off at this news.

The best part of this story is that he was at Starbucks. What does Dion Phaneuf order at Starbucks? I have a feeling he'll tell you he was ordering "plain black coffee," the way manly men drink it, but I'll tell you what, Manly Men don't get coffee at Starbucks, they get their Manly Man coffee at 7-11 or White Hen or Tim Horton's. I don't think he'd get a lot of respect from other league defensemen if it turned out his truck got stolen because he was ordering something stupid like a "double chocolaty chip frappucino blended creme" (which would also not be very good for his diet, because I definitely had to look up a Starbucks menu to write this entry, and apparently one of those things has 510 calories. In a medium. My goodness.) I imagine the conversation would go something like this:

Dion Phaneuf: Hey! Hey, Cheli! Hey, old man! How does it feel to play for a team that [edited] the [edited] [edited]?
Chris Chelios: Well, you [edited] [edited], it feels better than getting my [edited] car stolen after I was stupid enough to [edited] [edited] [edited] [edited] [edited] while I was getting [edited] [edited] [edited] from [edited] Starbucks, you [edited] [edited] [edited] pansy-ass.

(That's an approximation, never having actually met either of them. But I like my imagination.)

And it leads me to this question: What does your favorite player order at Starbucks? If he even goes to Starbucks, that is--hockey is full of Manly Men who, I'm sure, wouldn't be caught dead in a 'Bucks. They get coffee at Tim Horton's, the way God intended it. But hey, Tim Horton's serves Iced Cappuccinos, which are not the most testosterone-laden drinks I've ever seen, either.

Martin Havlat probably isn't allowed to have caffeine because it'll interact with the 238579325 meds he's taking for whatever Injury Du Jour he's battling. But because he's a badass, he drinks it anyway. Because he's European and "classy" he probably goes for a nice cafe au lait in the afternoon.

Mike Comrie is like, the NHL's poster boy for high-maintenance, and he hooked up with Hilary Duff, for heaven's sake--I think he enjoys Frappucinos on a fairly regular basis.

Nikolai Khabibulin I think has his picture up at all Chicago-area Starbucks, Caribou Coffees, White Hens, 7-11s, and independent coffee shops with big labels that say "Do Not Serve To This Man." But in the privacy of his home I think he drinks high-octane, 8-shot espresso. And a lot of it.

Daniel Alfredsson strikes me as the kind of guy who drinks lattes in the afternoon. Maybe, because he is a very efficient kind of guy, he buys them in the morning and nukes them in the team microwave.

Mats Sundin drinks whatever coffee they serve on the Mothership. Or I don't know, maybe they don't serve coffee in outer space, where he's from.

Pat Kane isn't old enough to drink coffee, his mom probably told him it'll stunt his growth. So he drinks hot chocolate, even thought I have it on the best authority that Starbucks hot chocolate sucks. Maybe chocolate milk, then. Or juice.

Trevor Linden seems like a very laid-back kind of guy who probably drinks tea. With milk. And hey, he plays in Vancouver, they have some really really good tea shops there. (If you're ever in Vancouver, visit Murchie's and have your horizons expanded.)

Martin Brodeur drinks black coffee, but Carey Price needs half a cup of coffee, half a cup of milk, and plenty of sugar until it tastes like coffee ice cream. It's okay, he's still a kid, and he'll get on the caffeine train like the rest of us sooner rather than later. Although maybe it's best he stays off it, so when Montreal dies in the playoffs, he won't sit around drinking coffee and staying up until four AM every night, reliving every painful goal. (No, I don't think it was a good idea for Montreal to trade Huet, why do you ask?)

What does Dominik Hasek drink? Whatever he [edited] wants--he's Dominik [edited] Hasek! Come on people, do you not know me AT ALL?