03 March 2008

It's a car, not a Life-Maintaining Device

Yeah, you've done it--left your car running while you went in to return a movie or something. But there's a good reason why you're not supposed to leave your car on while you do an errand that takes more than 2.5 seconds to complete--a reason I think Dion Phaneuf could tell you a thing or two about, after he got his SUV stolen while he went into Starbucks. I would be lying if I told you I didn't absolutely laugh my face off at this news.

The best part of this story is that he was at Starbucks. What does Dion Phaneuf order at Starbucks? I have a feeling he'll tell you he was ordering "plain black coffee," the way manly men drink it, but I'll tell you what, Manly Men don't get coffee at Starbucks, they get their Manly Man coffee at 7-11 or White Hen or Tim Horton's. I don't think he'd get a lot of respect from other league defensemen if it turned out his truck got stolen because he was ordering something stupid like a "double chocolaty chip frappucino blended creme" (which would also not be very good for his diet, because I definitely had to look up a Starbucks menu to write this entry, and apparently one of those things has 510 calories. In a medium. My goodness.) I imagine the conversation would go something like this:

Dion Phaneuf: Hey! Hey, Cheli! Hey, old man! How does it feel to play for a team that [edited] the [edited] [edited]?
Chris Chelios: Well, you [edited] [edited], it feels better than getting my [edited] car stolen after I was stupid enough to [edited] [edited] [edited] [edited] [edited] while I was getting [edited] [edited] [edited] from [edited] Starbucks, you [edited] [edited] [edited] pansy-ass.

(That's an approximation, never having actually met either of them. But I like my imagination.)

And it leads me to this question: What does your favorite player order at Starbucks? If he even goes to Starbucks, that is--hockey is full of Manly Men who, I'm sure, wouldn't be caught dead in a 'Bucks. They get coffee at Tim Horton's, the way God intended it. But hey, Tim Horton's serves Iced Cappuccinos, which are not the most testosterone-laden drinks I've ever seen, either.

Martin Havlat probably isn't allowed to have caffeine because it'll interact with the 238579325 meds he's taking for whatever Injury Du Jour he's battling. But because he's a badass, he drinks it anyway. Because he's European and "classy" he probably goes for a nice cafe au lait in the afternoon.

Mike Comrie is like, the NHL's poster boy for high-maintenance, and he hooked up with Hilary Duff, for heaven's sake--I think he enjoys Frappucinos on a fairly regular basis.

Nikolai Khabibulin I think has his picture up at all Chicago-area Starbucks, Caribou Coffees, White Hens, 7-11s, and independent coffee shops with big labels that say "Do Not Serve To This Man." But in the privacy of his home I think he drinks high-octane, 8-shot espresso. And a lot of it.

Daniel Alfredsson strikes me as the kind of guy who drinks lattes in the afternoon. Maybe, because he is a very efficient kind of guy, he buys them in the morning and nukes them in the team microwave.

Mats Sundin drinks whatever coffee they serve on the Mothership. Or I don't know, maybe they don't serve coffee in outer space, where he's from.

Pat Kane isn't old enough to drink coffee, his mom probably told him it'll stunt his growth. So he drinks hot chocolate, even thought I have it on the best authority that Starbucks hot chocolate sucks. Maybe chocolate milk, then. Or juice.

Trevor Linden seems like a very laid-back kind of guy who probably drinks tea. With milk. And hey, he plays in Vancouver, they have some really really good tea shops there. (If you're ever in Vancouver, visit Murchie's and have your horizons expanded.)

Martin Brodeur drinks black coffee, but Carey Price needs half a cup of coffee, half a cup of milk, and plenty of sugar until it tastes like coffee ice cream. It's okay, he's still a kid, and he'll get on the caffeine train like the rest of us sooner rather than later. Although maybe it's best he stays off it, so when Montreal dies in the playoffs, he won't sit around drinking coffee and staying up until four AM every night, reliving every painful goal. (No, I don't think it was a good idea for Montreal to trade Huet, why do you ask?)

What does Dominik Hasek drink? Whatever he [edited] wants--he's Dominik [edited] Hasek! Come on people, do you not know me AT ALL?

1 comment:

Cat said...

I know for a fact that Mike Smith orders an Americano with room for a little bit of half-and-half, two sugars. What? He said it on a podcast. He also wished for an espresso maker for Christmas, which, dude, he does not need that caffeine.

My bet is that Matt Niskanen is totally a no-fun mocha kind of guy. You know, nonfat milk, no whipped cream. AKA, no fun. He's not manly enough for plain black coffee or an Americano (because let's face it, Cafe Americanos are disgusting), so he still has to have something flavored, but not one of those drinks that takes 20 minutes to order.

Marty Turco probably orders those frappucinos that have no coffee in them. Like the strawberries and cream ones. That way, he can totally share them with his daughters, who are, in fact, the cutest children on the planet.

Oh, I bet Mike Modano is the most annoying at Starbucks. He probably gets like, a soy milk vanilla latte with an extra shot of espresso, extra hot, no foam, etc. etc. etc. He seems high maintenance to me.