The Ides of March have come...and gone...but things still suck

Sigh. I don't know if you've noticed, but the Sens, after having a brief resurgence, seem to have decided that the season is as good as over and they are bound for sunny Mexico or Florida or Arizona or wherever they want to go in just a couple of weeks. I, and many many many other Sens fans, are not so pleased with this idea. Look, I understand that the weather has been just godawful, and the high today was 0 and it's snowing again when usually by this time it's 7 on a regular basis, but...okay. Really. And, AND, Eugene Melnyk, the owner of the Sens, is getting into hot water with the Securities and Exchange Commission, proving that when it rains it pours for this organization.

So, to cheer myself up, I've concocted a list of Headlines That Could Possibly Make This Slump Worse. (Um, these are all NOT TRUE NOT TRUE NOT TRUE.) (Yet.) (Thank goodness.)

GOALIES
Martin Gerber Quits Team To Seek "More Rewarding" Career As Astronaut

Ray Emery Quits Team To Seek "More Lucrative" Career As Model (ok, well, this one would bring a lot of visual joy into my life. That's all, though.)

DEFENCEMEN
Anton Volchenkov Discovered To Be Communist Agent Sent To Infiltrate Canada. Volchenkov, 26, said to "pummel" his intellectual opponents. He declined to comment.

Wade Redden Decides Hockey Career Meaningless, Returns to Lloydminster To Family Farm. Mr Redden, winner of the 1987 Lloydminster 4-H "Best In Show" ribbon for his prize calf, Bossy, is trying to seek out the "simple life" after making millions of dollars as a professional hockey player. Lloydminster Daily Telegraph.

Christoph Schubert Injured In Freak Schnitzel Accident. Schubert will be sidelined indefinitely after being tragically injured in a freak schnitzel-eating incident Monday, March 25th. "Don't ask me, I don't even know," Schubert said.

Luke Richardson Breaks Hip Executing In-Depth Stretching Routine. "I told him that was dangerous!" the Senators training staff howled as one as Richardson was taken to the hospital. "He's not twenty anymore! You can't DO that!"

Andrej Meszaros Accidentally Walks Off Cliff.

Chris Phillips Cuts Off Hand While Doing Minor Home Repairs--Expected To Be Out 6-8 Weeks. Phillips, an amateur handyman, built his entire neighborhood from scratch. Last night, however, replacing a lightbulb proved to be his Waterloo as a broken shard of glass took his whole hand clean off.

Mike Commodore Sells Out, Agrees To Wear Number 64 In Return for Lucrative Ad Campaign. (What am I talking about? This news would fill me with glee!)

FORWARDS
Popular Winger Shean Donovan Quits Team To Produce His Own Reality Show. The show, imaginatively titled "The Shean Donovan Reality Show," will focus on Donovan's mishaps in his daily life. Its first episode, slated to air at 9 AM Monday morning, will be entitled "Shean Donovan Goes To the Grocery Store And They're Out of Canned Tomatoes."

Dany Heatley Out For 16 Weeks While Getting Bionic Teeth Implanted. This experimental process carries with it a high risk, but also has the added benefit of being able to channel XM radio through the bionic false teeth.

Jason Spezza Misses Six Weeks While In Intensive Learn-To-Read Program.

Mike Fisher Quits Team to Become Full-Time Hockey Preacher. (Actually, this one would also make me deliriously happy, just to get this @%#&#@* off my team. What he does on his own damn time is his own damn business.)

Randy Robitaille Inserts No-Trade Clause Into His Contract

Martin Lapointe Declares Team "Hopeless," Seeks Counsel With Legendary Detroit Red Wing Steve Yzerman

Chris Neil Suffers Yet Another Random Accident

Dean McAmmond Retires Early To Become Motivational Speaker. His first clients will be his old teammates, the Ottawa Senators, who stand to benefit quite a lot from his speech.

Brian McGrattan Discovered To Be Physically Incapable Of Scoring Goals. (That would explain a LOT.)

Antoine Vermette Suffers Critical Hair Injury; Out 4-6 Weeks For Repairs

Daniel Alfredsson "Gives Up" On Team, Flees To Sweden With Wife and Children. "You people! I can't do this any more! You make me crazy!"