02 November 2007

Long break, eh? Midterms have been getting me down here at Casa All Hockey All The Time, and it's been really busy. I was lucky enough to be at the game last night, Atlanta Thrashers vs. Ottawa Senators, which was pretty embarrassing as the Sens managed to blow a 5-0 lead. Nice, guys. Keep up the good work. Not.

You know, I love many, many players. I know more about some of them than is really healthy. If I could devote half the brain space I have to hockey to my schoolwork, I could be mistress of the planet. And as I was paging through the depth charts in the latest THN and realizing I knew stuff about even the most ridiculously obscure player, I thought "well, I may be a huge nerd, but at least I don't have a stupid name." And I don't. Many, many players? Stupid names. Yes.

Let's start with the Grand Master of Stupid Names, whom I saw play last night: Garnet Exelby. Garnet is not a NAME. It is a NOUN. It is a ROCK. You have GOT to be kidding me. (Actually, garnet is my cousin's birthstone.) And hey, "Ex," is a stupid nickname as well. Garnet Exelby sounds like a snowboarder's name. Not a hockey player.

And really no one should even get me started on Toni Lydman. Yes, I know he's Finnish. But in North America, "Toni" is a GIRL'S NAME. And it's usually a girl's NICKNAME. For heaven's sake. Jocelyn Thibault, as much as I desperately love him, also has a girl's name. And Marian Hossa. And Marian Gaborik. Yeah. Girls' names, the lot of them.

From the "How do you introduce yourself to people with a straight face" files, I give you Dallas Drake and Wyatt Smith. I think they should be friends. I think they should fight crime. And have their own television show. Damn, I'd watch that show. They could play it at three in the afternoon for the after-school crowd, and have episodes like "Today, kids, Dallas and Wyatt investigate Who Stole Vincent Lecavalier's Jewelry Out Of His Locker While He Was In The Shower And Left A Poorly-Spelled Ransom Note Entreating Him To Put Down The Bling Because He Looks Like A Moron?" Good question, incidentally. Not so much a good look, Vinny. You already look like a corpse, no need to decorate.

Shaone Morrison and Shean Donovan. No, neither of those are misspelled. Unfortunately. They do both suck, though, you're right.

Pavel Kubina. Not so much a stupid name so much as I can never, ever resist calling him Pavel "Funky Cold" Kubina. And now I have to turn in my Cool Card, don't I?

Lee Stempniak. That doesn't sound like a hockey player's name. That's some guy you went to summer camp with. And didn't like very much.

Colby Armstrong. Rule 1: No nouns as names. Rule 2: NO TYPES OF CHEESE AS YOUR FIRST NAME.

Lasse Kukkonen. Jesus, how do they possibly not make one million jokes per day? I know I would. "Crap, we're down seven-nothing! Lasse! Get help!" Can you imagine if he grew up to be the savior of the Flyers organization? The newspaper headlines would be, simply put, the best thing I've ever seen. "Lasse Pulls Flyers Out of 7-0 Well--Good Boy!"

Vern Fiddler and Jed Ortmeyer both belong in the "Sorry, we made a wrong turn, we're actually looking for the NASCAR blogs, have you seen them?" file.

Tuomo Ruutu, Jay Bouwmeester, Jonathan Cheechoo and Jordin Tootoo all belong to the Extra Vowel Club, while Andrej Meszaros and Wojtek Wolski are members of the "Silent J Club."

Finally, Joffrey Lupul? Please. THAT'S NOT A REAL NAME. Joffrey. Good heavens.


Barbara said...


Ariana said...

Come now, my cousin's name is Garnet. And Joffrey Lupul is smoking hot, so he gets a pass.

(Yes, I am this far into your archives...)