30 September 2007

Seasonal Slogans

One of the best parts of each new season--besides the players shipping around, the jersey changes, the new schedule, the new rules the league wants to make up (I imagine a bunch of league officials sitting around someone's cottage drinking beer and saying things like "Okay, okay. So, if the player in question has a tattoo on his upper body, we'll award him the goal, even if he was standing on top of the goaltender at the time. And if the player has a tattoo on his lower body, well, screw him! We won't award the goal even if there's nothing wrong with it at all! Nobody will ever guess, and we'll screw with everybody! Good times!" and they all cheer and crack open another Molson)--so, the best part of each new season is the goofy-ass slogan that each team pays a team of management consultants a LOT of money to come up with. I have picked out some of the worst, and I am going to make fun of them.

Atlanta Thrashers: "Believe in [player's name here]. Believe in Blueland." Ah, Blueland is not the first place I think of when I think of Georgia. And, I did a little word-association with one of my friends who knows nothing about hockey, and said "Blueland" and she said "Isn't that a type of crab?" Yes. Yes it is. The Blueland Crab.

Boston Bruins. "The Hub of Hockey." You see what I mean? Personally I would imagine Toronto or New York as the actual hub of hockey, because that's where the league offices are located. Is it because the Bruins logo is round? Is it supposed to be a wheel? Isn't a Bruin a bear? Is it a hub-and-spokes type thing? That's all I can imagine. Too much thinking required.

Calgary Flames. "C of Red." The C is the Calgary logo, if that helps, which it really doesn't. Just..."C of Red?" That's the very best thing you could come up with? This one is pretty stupid all on its own without any added commentary.

Chicago Blackhawks. Apparently, it's "Red Rising." Are you serious? But this is not as embarrassing as last year's, which was "All4One" which sounds like a boy band, or the year before that, which was "Let's Go." That's it. In its entirety. "Let's go." I hope someone got fired over that one. The years before that were "Live from Chicago," which was...okay, not terrible, and before that was "Show Your Colors," which I don't really have a problem with. "Red Rising?" Maybe it's like a thermometer-type analogy? Communist Party sympathizers? I give up.

Detroit Red Wings. "Fire On Ice." Jesus Christ, if you hit the link for the Red Wings' site, before you get to the actual site, you get to one of those pre-sites that asks "Enter the Site?" and it plays a really loud sound of...something being on fire, or scorching, but good Lord, I about jumped out of my skin. "Fire On Ice" is not quite as bad as some of the others, but I think it'd be much more effective for, I don't know, the Calgary FLAMES, maybe? A lot better than "C of Red," I tell you.

Edmonton Oilers. "You're In Oil Country." This is...true. I don't really have a problem with this one, so much. At the very least, it's not aggressively stupid.

Florida Panthers. "See it. Get it. Love it." This is pretty inane. It just does not sound good in any way. At all.

Minnesota Wild. "Welcome to the State of Hockey." Apparently alluding to geography is OK by me, because this one doesn't bother me so much either. Maybe it's the goofy faux-hokey script, or the fact that Minnesota is actually a darn good state for hockey, but...it's okay. The marketing team can continue to work there, I guess.

New York Islanders. "We're All Islanders." Well, I guess we are if you're going with the definition of continent = island, but...well, as far as I know, I am not a member of the Islanders organization, nor am I a native of any island whatsoever. So I'm going to have to go with "no."

Ottawa Senators. "A New Era Begins." Man, I love the Sens desperately and I still don't know what they're getting at here. Please don't tell me it's an allusion to their new jerseys, because I kind of don't like them.

Philadelphia Flyers. "Back with a Vengeance." Look, I would have much more to say, but there is a absolutely horrifying pop-up on the Flyers' website of Daniel Briere that talks to you. Hockey websites, STOP IT WITH THINGS THAT MAKE NOISE. Especially when it's Daniel freaking Briere, who is so ugly he ought to be court-ordered to wear a paper bag over his head at all times when out in public. Good God.

San Jose Sharks. "This Is Sharks Territory." Hey, too close to "This Is Oil Country!" No fair! And it doesn't really flow as well for some reason. Whatever, sharks as species are pretty scary, I'd be warned off from ocean waters with sharks in them, I suppose it works.

Toronto Maple Leafs. "The Passion That Unites Us All." Too wordy! And it doesn't work unless you actually mean "unites us all in hatred against the Leafs."

Vancouver Canucks. "We Are All Canucks." Clearly, the Islanders and Canucks used the same ad agency. What, did they think they'd never run into each other and discover their faux-pas? Hockey is not a sitcom! But it does behave like one sometimes.

It's a good thing no one relies on marketing consultants to get us all revved up for the season. With something like "See it. Get it. Love it," we'd all be falling asleep in front of the TV.


Cat said...

I do not trust marketing people (although I will say that the new Stars ad campaign that has everyone in the world talking is pretty brilliant). Seriously, some of those suck real hard. And you're right, hockey websites need to stop talking. I think I was on the Blackhawks site, when suddenly the players POPPED UP AND STARTED TELLING ME TO BUY TICKETS. PLZ STOP.

Ariana said...

Come on! "C of Red" is a play on words, referring to the SEA of red in the Saddledome during the playoffs in '04, and the SEA of red on the infamous Red Mile, also during the playoffs in '04. And then, see, it's a RED C! It makes perfect sense.

(No no, I know it's dumb. But it's what we've got.)

Anonymous said...

Good i am tired of hearing Hub of Hockey for the bruins. it makes us all sound like cunts

Anonymous said...

Вопрос:   Я очень мечтаю познакомиться с гармоничной девушкой. Времени после занятий абсолютно нет, а в праздники как правило нужно тоже  вкалывать. В общественных местах знакомиться не хочется.  Пока на сайтах встречаю  в основном продажных женщин. Предложите вариант решения проблемы, пожалуйста. Заранее искреннее спасибо J)).

Anonymous said...

я никогда ему не изменяла(он мой первый и единственный),но наверное сумела бы изменить...