07 April 2008

Playoff Matchups

Every other blogger on the planet is giving their picks on who will win the first-round series we have coming up. Instead, I will be ranking the teams based on the highly scientific HMETGM scale, or "How Much Entertainment They Give Me" scale, which I have carefully calibrated from zero to Tyler Arnason, e.g., the most hilarity you can possible have.

Montreal Canadiens v. Boston Bruins
Well, let's have a look at this. Jesus Price v. the Boston Bruins "Gotta B Here" (who came up with THAT? Fire them. Immediately). Now, I am wanting to lean towards Boston here just based on the fact that they have three ex-Senators, Andrew "The Most Annoying Man In Hockey" Ference, and the goaltending duo of Tim Thomas and Alex Auld, the latter of whom is so bad that in that absolute drubbing the Capitals gave them he got put in in favor of Tim Thomas and then got pulled again. He has played for four different teams in six years.
On the other hand, Montreal has chosen to go with the obviously superior goaltending pairing of Jesus Price, Savior of All Hockey in Montreal and Jaroslav Halak, the hideously ugly yet strangely endearing Slovak kid whose stock just shot up sky-high when Cristobal Huet got traded.
Hilarity Advantage: Boston.

Pittsburgh Penguins v. Ottawa Senators
This one is a little closer to my heart. Oh, Ottawa, you have faltered so many times this season---the Ray Emery garbage, the "our captain gets injured and we play like lost kittens," the many, many terrible losses they have endured this year. And I seriously hate Pittsburgh--a LOT--they have Sidney Crosby whom I would not be sad to see disappear from the planet for ever, possibly taken away by some kind of large alien spacecraft, they have a mutant Staal brother, they have the disgusting Jarkko Ruutu, Marc-Andre "I have two full sets of teeth!" Fleury, the list goes on and on and on. Unfortunately, they appear to have no sense of humor at all, about anything, and their fans are wicked annoying.
Hilarity Advantage: Ottawa. Always Ottawa.

Washington Capitals v. Philadelphia Flyers
I'm obviously going to cheer for any team with Alex Ovechkin on it, Alex "Girls where are you?" Ovechkin, the one who met his girlfriend on the Internets. And Philadelphia's playoff slogan is "Vengeance Now." VENGEANCE NOW? That is some scary-ass sloganing going down right there! Marty Havlat is somewhere cowering in terror!
Hilarity Advantage: Washington. Perhaps they will ride into the first game on Segways.

New Jersey Devils v. New York Rangers
Martin Brodeur recently started in his 40th consecutive start. Please, no one be alarmed when he drops dead FROM SHEER EXHAUSTION. Dear Marty Brodeur: You are not the Terminator. Sooner or later you will need to sleep. Also the Devils feature my Favorite Useless Player, Karel Rachunek, who has missed the past few games on behalf of a neck strain. (Yes, I know.) They are playing New York, which in my extremely professional opinion has been super boring all season.
Hilarity Advantage: The Devils.

Detroit Red Wings v. Nashville Predators
Well, the Preds are disgusting. Obviously. Contrast them to Detroit, who is being led by He Who Represents All That Is Good And Pure In Hockey, Nick Lidstrom, the awesome-yet-aging Dominik Hasek, Ironman Chris Chelios, and featuring the hilarity of Tomas Holmstrom, Valtteri Filppula (nobody told me he could totally pass for a younger version of Art Alexakis!), and the hairpower of Henrik Zetterberg.
Hilarity Advantage: Detroit, no contest.

San Jose Sharks v. Calgary Flames
Let's look at this seriously. San Jose has the beyond-awesome Nabokov, who refers to himself in the third person in interviews (and please everyone go watch this clip and laugh and laugh), and they USED to have Vesa Toskala, who carries a man-purse--that, right there, is a clip worth watching. Calgary? Calgary has Curtis Joseph and I know people who thought he was dead.
Hilarity Advantage: On the strength of the goaltender matchup alone, clearly San Jose.

Minnesota Wild v. Colorado Avalanche
Colorado has the triple threat of Tyler Arnason, Peter Budaj, and Jose Theodore, which is comedy right there. Unfortunately they also have the completely insane Peter Forsberg-Adam Foote thing going on, which sucks all the funny right out of them. Minnesota, on the other hand, I have heard rumors of some kind of some weird Slovak feud thing going on between Pavol Demitra and Marian Gaborik. I don't know whether it's true, although I do know that for a long time Gabby about worshipped the ground Pavol Demitra walked on, but I think if it was true it would be the most amusing.
Hilarity Advantage: Minnesota, by virtue of the fact that they don't have Peter "Made Of Glass" Forsberg.

Anaheim Ducks v. Dallas Stars
Ugh, Anaheim disgusts me. They are not funny at all. The only funny thing is that Ryan Getzlaf is balding, and he's like, twenty-two. However, Dallas just bores me, and I know nothing about them.
Hilarity Advantage: Dallas. Based on Mike Modano.

14 comments:

Ariana said...

I don't know, I think Kipper is pretty funny. Who cares about Curtis Joseph? Are you telling me he ISN'T dead? Hahahaha. Oh, I kill myself.

Hey, maybe this will be the year I learn to Not Hate Detroit!

BAHAHAHAHA. I mean, I don't know. It could happen.

Cat said...

Mike Modano is pretty hilarious in his own right, really. I mean, have you SEEN his teeth?

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