You know where I was this past week? Yes, that's right--I was in Toronto! For the first time in my life, surprisingly. (Well, the first time I can remember. My parents don't seem to recollect whether or not we were in Toronto in the years pre-remembrance, but I'm pretty sure I wasn't based on the lack of photographic evidence. Please--if you know my family, you know there would be plenty of photographs of myself as a baby or toddler pressed up against the Stanley Cup.)
I did visit the Hockey Hall of Fame, on a pilgrimage, if you will. My friends and I were not particularly reverent guests, except for the part with...
...
...the Stanley Cup.
And yes, it was "the real one," the Presentation Cup. The best news: I licked it.
Yes, you can all tell me how disgusting that is, but I was feeling all right since I watched the guy
"sanitize" it about 2.5 seconds before I did, and he was pretty quick to hop on with the sanitizer again after we were done. I mean, people have let their dogs eat out of this thing--among many many other things. (And, for the record, people have had their children baptized in it. Can you imagine? I would be all over that if my husband won the cup--"honey, let's baptize [Child] in the Cup!" and I would say "ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO IT RIGHT NOW." If you can even do that without Papal dispensation, that is. And that child would immediately become my favorite child.)
Anyway, I definitely licked the Stanley Cup, specifically: Dominik Hasek's name. It was a beautiful moment.
The Hockey Hall of Fame, and hopefully Gordie Howe will not strike me down for saying this, is slightly overrated. I mean, it's GOOD, but it's expensive, and there's not an incredibly amount of stuff. It depends how much "watching your friend lick the Cup" is worth to you, or "watching your friend flip out over some player that nobody else cares about." There's a cool replica of the Montreal Canadiens' dressing room, and thank goodness it's a replica because the real one is probably full of STDs considering Jose Theodore used to play there. There's a pretty good display on international hockey. There's some information about the many, many minor league teams in North America. There is not a whole lot of information on the European leagues. It's also not extraordinarily well laid-out. There are some really atrocious films you can watch.
While I was in Toronto I did NOT go to a Leafs game. Here is a short list of Things I Would Rather Do Than Attend a Leafs Game At the Air Canada Centre:
1. Put my head into a bag of live eels.
2. Go to the top of the Sears Tower (being afraid of heights, this one is HUGE).
3. Wash my hair with 100% pure maple syrup.
4. Clean the floor of the Pittsburgh Penguins' showers. With my tongue. On game day. (Like that makes a difference.)
5. Drink an entire bottle of tequila, then write all five of my final exams in one day.
Trade deadline day is coming up on Tuesday. It cannot come fast enough.
24 February 2008
15 February 2008
I have many, many things I want to talk about on this thing, honestly, but since I have an incredible amount of schoolwork right now and, you know, a life, they're going to have to wait. But I promise, I will totally weigh in on the Sens trade and this awesome post about food I have planned, and the trade deadline, but I will get there, really.
Instead today I am going to talk about Richard Zednik. I will freely admit that the only reason I know anything about him is that he's Slovak and I have a disturbing obsession with the Slovaks in the NHL (I can name all of them! Really! Even the crap ones!) and has played for the Slovak national team in the past and has done quite well for himself.
I will also admit that I've seen the accident about fifteen different times, and it never stops being gross. There is actual spurting blood. It's horrifying. But...can you imagine the presence of mind it must take in order to, after you just had your throat cut by a skate, clutch your neck and skate off the ice? He must have been practicing the Vulcan Mind Meld or something because I can just not imagine that. At all. It's pretty intense. Now, according to TSN, he lost TWO LITERS of blood on Sunday, but is feeling so much better by today--Friday, for those of you keeping score at home--he asked if he could eat Buffalo wings, and he might be discharged tomorrow. Kudos to him. I hope he continues to improve and comes back to playing as soon as possible.
Just think about that--let's say you have some horrific accident at work, like a freak stapler accident or something, that somehow involves the loss of several pints of blood and emergency life-saving surgery at the hospital. How long are you going to be out of work? I mean, really. Zednik probably won't be back for the remainder of the season, but it'll be interesting to see if he continues playing next year. I mean, I'm hoping he will and I'm sure he'll be in physical condition to do so, but if he decides not to, can anyone blame him?
Malarchuk, the goalie who had his throat cut in another freak accident in 1989, has recently been pretty open about the horror of it all. In an interview he did on TSN, he mentioned his struggles with depression and OCD in the years following, and he deserves all kinds of support just for admitting that on television. It's hard. More people coming forward with stories like Malarchuk's can only help remove the stigma on mental illness. Nobody wants to wake up and see a story like Roman Lyashenko's. Stories like that, and like Zednik, bring the message back that even though these sports are played on a worldwide stage for big money, they're entertainment, but they're not movies. They're real people with lives like us. I don't understand the people who enjoy running down specific players, calling them stupid or idiots or what have you. Yeah, they might be bad players--trust me, I know from some bad players--but for heaven's sake, they don't deserve to be publicly mocked.
They're just people, guys. Live and let live.
Instead today I am going to talk about Richard Zednik. I will freely admit that the only reason I know anything about him is that he's Slovak and I have a disturbing obsession with the Slovaks in the NHL (I can name all of them! Really! Even the crap ones!) and has played for the Slovak national team in the past and has done quite well for himself.
I will also admit that I've seen the accident about fifteen different times, and it never stops being gross. There is actual spurting blood. It's horrifying. But...can you imagine the presence of mind it must take in order to, after you just had your throat cut by a skate, clutch your neck and skate off the ice? He must have been practicing the Vulcan Mind Meld or something because I can just not imagine that. At all. It's pretty intense. Now, according to TSN, he lost TWO LITERS of blood on Sunday, but is feeling so much better by today--Friday, for those of you keeping score at home--he asked if he could eat Buffalo wings, and he might be discharged tomorrow. Kudos to him. I hope he continues to improve and comes back to playing as soon as possible.
Just think about that--let's say you have some horrific accident at work, like a freak stapler accident or something, that somehow involves the loss of several pints of blood and emergency life-saving surgery at the hospital. How long are you going to be out of work? I mean, really. Zednik probably won't be back for the remainder of the season, but it'll be interesting to see if he continues playing next year. I mean, I'm hoping he will and I'm sure he'll be in physical condition to do so, but if he decides not to, can anyone blame him?
Malarchuk, the goalie who had his throat cut in another freak accident in 1989, has recently been pretty open about the horror of it all. In an interview he did on TSN, he mentioned his struggles with depression and OCD in the years following, and he deserves all kinds of support just for admitting that on television. It's hard. More people coming forward with stories like Malarchuk's can only help remove the stigma on mental illness. Nobody wants to wake up and see a story like Roman Lyashenko's. Stories like that, and like Zednik, bring the message back that even though these sports are played on a worldwide stage for big money, they're entertainment, but they're not movies. They're real people with lives like us. I don't understand the people who enjoy running down specific players, calling them stupid or idiots or what have you. Yeah, they might be bad players--trust me, I know from some bad players--but for heaven's sake, they don't deserve to be publicly mocked.
They're just people, guys. Live and let live.
05 February 2008
No, really?
Hey guys, wouldn't it be weird if I ACTUALLY talked about hockey for once? I think so too!
1. Surely you've all been paying extremely strict attention to the slump the Sens have been in, right? I thought so. They're missing their beloved captain, Alfie, which is clearly a huge drag on the team. They're missing Dany Heatley, whom I've actually grown to love even though I never thought I would because he was traded for Marian Hossa, whom I love absolutely. Emery has been...having a few issues here and there, let's say. I'm not going to pretend I know the answer to what ails them, I'm just going to mention that I hope they start winning again soon because this is a drag.
2. Goalie controversy going down in Montreal! Huet is still their number-one, but they sent Price down to the minors for a monthish and had Halak as their backup, and didn't even have him play any games. My cards are telling me there's a goalie trade in there for Montreal somewhere before the deadline as they throw their hats in with either Price or Halak, but not both. Maybe they'll do a goalie-for-goalie trade with Ottawa, eh? Halak and...probably a draft pick, a hefty sum of money, or another minor-leaguer in exchange for Emery? Oh, I'd be bummed to see Emery go, but I would totally volunteer to chauffeur the Jaroslav Halak Welcome Wagon around.
3. My favorite lousy defenseman, Karel Rachunek, has been a scoring FORCE lately! Not the most highlight-reel goal you've ever seen against the Kings (and Jason LaBarbera? Not the league's most challenging and complex goaltender, I'm not going to lie to you), but a very good, solid effort nonetheless. For those of you who are keeping obsessive attention to his stats, like me, that brings him up to a whopping 2 goals and 8 assists this season. Which is...not horrible, for a defenseman, let's put it that way.
4. In news that my mom for one will be very pleased to hear, Darren McCarty has signed with the AHL Grand Rapids Griffins, hopefully in steps to return to the NHL.
5. The Edmonton Oilers have been sold to Darryl Katz, a "pharmaceutical billionaire." He has Gretzky's endorsement as owner, which is a pretty darned good seal, and Messier's as well. Apparently he actually really truly loves hockey, which--my natural skepticism notwithstanding--if it is true, is really an outstandingly awesome move. Honestly. There needs to be more owners of teams who love the sport, instead of owners who are slowly dragging their teams into the ground by, for example, not allowing home games to be shown in the area.
6. For heaven's sake, the people who find this blog looking for exciting updates on who Sidney Crosby or any one of the Staal brothers or Rick Nash or whatever horrifyingly ugly young player is making the rounds this week, is dating. I DO NOT KNOW. Frankly, I do not care. I could not possibly care less. The love lives of all those people concern me even less than, for example, whether or not everything in my closet is organized in alphabetical order by type of fabric. I DO NOT CARE EVEN IN THE SLIGHTEST. Really, all of those players make me want to vomit. And I have my own life to worry about before I can even begin to think about these people.
Finally, watch this space for an exciting entry coming up about...food!
1. Surely you've all been paying extremely strict attention to the slump the Sens have been in, right? I thought so. They're missing their beloved captain, Alfie, which is clearly a huge drag on the team. They're missing Dany Heatley, whom I've actually grown to love even though I never thought I would because he was traded for Marian Hossa, whom I love absolutely. Emery has been...having a few issues here and there, let's say. I'm not going to pretend I know the answer to what ails them, I'm just going to mention that I hope they start winning again soon because this is a drag.
2. Goalie controversy going down in Montreal! Huet is still their number-one, but they sent Price down to the minors for a monthish and had Halak as their backup, and didn't even have him play any games. My cards are telling me there's a goalie trade in there for Montreal somewhere before the deadline as they throw their hats in with either Price or Halak, but not both. Maybe they'll do a goalie-for-goalie trade with Ottawa, eh? Halak and...probably a draft pick, a hefty sum of money, or another minor-leaguer in exchange for Emery? Oh, I'd be bummed to see Emery go, but I would totally volunteer to chauffeur the Jaroslav Halak Welcome Wagon around.
3. My favorite lousy defenseman, Karel Rachunek, has been a scoring FORCE lately! Not the most highlight-reel goal you've ever seen against the Kings (and Jason LaBarbera? Not the league's most challenging and complex goaltender, I'm not going to lie to you), but a very good, solid effort nonetheless. For those of you who are keeping obsessive attention to his stats, like me, that brings him up to a whopping 2 goals and 8 assists this season. Which is...not horrible, for a defenseman, let's put it that way.
4. In news that my mom for one will be very pleased to hear, Darren McCarty has signed with the AHL Grand Rapids Griffins, hopefully in steps to return to the NHL.
5. The Edmonton Oilers have been sold to Darryl Katz, a "pharmaceutical billionaire." He has Gretzky's endorsement as owner, which is a pretty darned good seal, and Messier's as well. Apparently he actually really truly loves hockey, which--my natural skepticism notwithstanding--if it is true, is really an outstandingly awesome move. Honestly. There needs to be more owners of teams who love the sport, instead of owners who are slowly dragging their teams into the ground by, for example, not allowing home games to be shown in the area.
6. For heaven's sake, the people who find this blog looking for exciting updates on who Sidney Crosby or any one of the Staal brothers or Rick Nash or whatever horrifyingly ugly young player is making the rounds this week, is dating. I DO NOT KNOW. Frankly, I do not care. I could not possibly care less. The love lives of all those people concern me even less than, for example, whether or not everything in my closet is organized in alphabetical order by type of fabric. I DO NOT CARE EVEN IN THE SLIGHTEST. Really, all of those players make me want to vomit. And I have my own life to worry about before I can even begin to think about these people.
Finally, watch this space for an exciting entry coming up about...food!
27 January 2008
The All-Star Game!
This is the All-Star weekend, which means for the vast majority of players, they get a long weekend off to spend with their families, relax and rehab their bodies, or get drunk, depending on who they are. (Or a combination of all three. Who knows? I'm not here to judge.) For the lucky All-Stars, they get a weekend in...Atlanta, where they take part in pointless but hugely amusing competitions and do stupid interviews.
So, I really like the All-Star game. But this weekend I thought I could celebrate better by doing my own personal All-Star event. I think I will call it "The First Annual All Hockey All The Time All-Star Ranking!" I like the exclamation point.
Our first competition will be Best And By Best I Mean Most Amusing Foreign Forward. This is a pretty tight competition, you see, because I generally want to shy away from "most amusing" meaning "funny-looking." (That's a separate competition.) (Also, frankly, there are a lot of weird-looking North Americans out there. Maybe they're all from Love Canal?) However, this is going to go in a heartbeat to Alex Ovechkin. Even if he is pretty funny-looking, this category rests solely on this video [warning: goes straight to video]. This is one of the most amusing videos I've ever seen, a bunch of the young Caps players taking a tour of D.C....on Segways. It's also one of the most bizarre things I've ever seen, since Ovechkin spends most of the tape zipping around like a nutjob, getting in trouble with the authorities, going "YEEEEAAHHH!" and asking "To find girls. Girls, where are you?" Ovechkin seems like a pretty hilarious guy to hang around with. (Call me next time the Capitals are in town, Ovie. We don't have any Segways here, but we can walk around Parliament and take stupid pictures with the statues, which is also pretty fun.)
Up next we have Most Funny-Looking Player. This is actually a close competition between the Sedin twins, Henrik and Daniel, whose pictures I'm not going to link to because they skeeve me out too badly; and Jason Spezza. I love Jason very much, and he is an outstanding young player who will one day have a lot of leadership potential, but I'll tell you right now I don't understand the girls (and there are a lot of them, believe it or not) who hail him as some kind of sex symbol. Because...no. Just...no. He ran a couple commercials for a jeweler here in Ottawa with the tagline "Dare to Dream," and they're just so hugely stupid and goofy and...He's a good guy, just he wins for Funny-Looking.
Now over here in this category, we have Most Useless European Defenseman. Duh, this is a layup for Karel Rachunek. Now, I adore Rachunek, but I fully realize his uselessness. In nine out of ten pictures, he looks stoned off his head. He has taken maybe three pictures while smiling in his entire life. When he was playing for the Sens, Jacques Martin accused him of being "unemotional" and "cold." And this was repeated by his teammates. From everything I've read, he's pretty well-liked, just...apparently has no feelings, EVER. Not that this makes a difference to me. I love him even in his uselessness. Even if I am the only one. (And really, he's getting better! The older he gets, the better he gets as a player! I'm not kidding, guys! He's grown up and filled out...hello? Hello?)
How about the goalies? They get no love. (That's a lie.) How about Most Completely Smoking Hot Goalie? (Yes, I am about as deep as a puddle, but I don't lie about it!) Now, Ray Emery got into hot water with management when he was photographed getting a tattoo and it was in all the newspapers (there's a long story that goes along with that about a bet about eating a cockroach off the locker room floor and $500, but yeah), but frankly, I don't care. Thank you, Sun Media, for putting this into my life. YEAH I THOUGHT SO. I could do without the funky little chin-beard he has going on there, but please. That's like critiquing the landscaping behind the Mona Lisa, people.
Like your goalies a little less flashy and flamboyant? How about a little Henrik Lundqvist? with your coffee? Yeah, I thought so.
He doesn't have ENOUGH hair for you? How about Roberto Luongo? Now, that one may be kind of an exposure-therapy thing, but seriously, "Bobby Lu" is so good he has men in Vancouver volunteering to dump their girlfriends for him. He is one of the best things to hit Vancouver in a long, long time, and they appreciate him every bit.
On a different, but still goalie-related note, we have Who Is The Weirdest Goalie? Now, this category is wide, wide open category because most goalies are on the express train to Bizarro Land with stops in Strangeville, Weirdson, and Completely Batshit. Will it be Antero Niittymaki, whose name I will never be able to spell right on the first try, who once let in a goal because he was too busy watching his own replay on the Jumbotron? No, that makes him Most Self-Centered. Will it be Kari Lehtonen, who was quoted as disliking the new NHL jersey style because he "saw some pictures of [himself] on the Internet and they made [him] look fat"? No, but maybe a close runner-up for Self-Centered. Twitchy Nikolai Khabibulin?
No, this one is a toss-up. On the one hand, we have the challenger, young Peter Budaj of Colorado. Budaj is from Slovakia, which is already one strike in the "weird" arena, but apparently he has abandoned ship and doesn't play for the Slovakian national team any more, which should drive Frantisek Hossa and Julius Supler just about insane. He has a drawing of Ned Flanders from the Simpsons on the back of his helmet. I can't call him completely crazy, though, because he did this one interview and won me forever.
On the other hand, we have the incumbent, the reigning king of lunacy, Dominik Hasek. I LOVE Hasek, like, a LOT, enough that it makes some of my friends uncomfortable. His autograph is truly one of my most prized possessions, although when I met him I was so completely in awe I couldn't even speak. (That's a good story, also the time Nicklas Lidstrom touched my neck, and yes, it deserves to be in bold.) But even I realize Hasek is a nutcase with a nutty filling. Hasek once attacked a sportswriter in Buffalo--like, full-on went after him and ripped his shirt. He has had an opera written about him (and, in fairness, the rest of the Czech national team.) There are pictures of him loose on the internet doing the splits in the shower. He is a big wrestling fan. He has a history degree and is qualified to teach at the high-school level. (I would not have missed a history class EVER.)
I think that about does it for The First Annual All Hockey All The Time All-Star Rankings! Stay tuned. My next entry is going to be all about food.
So, I really like the All-Star game. But this weekend I thought I could celebrate better by doing my own personal All-Star event. I think I will call it "The First Annual All Hockey All The Time All-Star Ranking!" I like the exclamation point.
Our first competition will be Best And By Best I Mean Most Amusing Foreign Forward. This is a pretty tight competition, you see, because I generally want to shy away from "most amusing" meaning "funny-looking." (That's a separate competition.) (Also, frankly, there are a lot of weird-looking North Americans out there. Maybe they're all from Love Canal?) However, this is going to go in a heartbeat to Alex Ovechkin. Even if he is pretty funny-looking, this category rests solely on this video [warning: goes straight to video]. This is one of the most amusing videos I've ever seen, a bunch of the young Caps players taking a tour of D.C....on Segways. It's also one of the most bizarre things I've ever seen, since Ovechkin spends most of the tape zipping around like a nutjob, getting in trouble with the authorities, going "YEEEEAAHHH!" and asking "To find girls. Girls, where are you?" Ovechkin seems like a pretty hilarious guy to hang around with. (Call me next time the Capitals are in town, Ovie. We don't have any Segways here, but we can walk around Parliament and take stupid pictures with the statues, which is also pretty fun.)
Up next we have Most Funny-Looking Player. This is actually a close competition between the Sedin twins, Henrik and Daniel, whose pictures I'm not going to link to because they skeeve me out too badly; and Jason Spezza. I love Jason very much, and he is an outstanding young player who will one day have a lot of leadership potential, but I'll tell you right now I don't understand the girls (and there are a lot of them, believe it or not) who hail him as some kind of sex symbol. Because...no. Just...no. He ran a couple commercials for a jeweler here in Ottawa with the tagline "Dare to Dream," and they're just so hugely stupid and goofy and...He's a good guy, just he wins for Funny-Looking.
Now over here in this category, we have Most Useless European Defenseman. Duh, this is a layup for Karel Rachunek. Now, I adore Rachunek, but I fully realize his uselessness. In nine out of ten pictures, he looks stoned off his head. He has taken maybe three pictures while smiling in his entire life. When he was playing for the Sens, Jacques Martin accused him of being "unemotional" and "cold." And this was repeated by his teammates. From everything I've read, he's pretty well-liked, just...apparently has no feelings, EVER. Not that this makes a difference to me. I love him even in his uselessness. Even if I am the only one. (And really, he's getting better! The older he gets, the better he gets as a player! I'm not kidding, guys! He's grown up and filled out...hello? Hello?)
How about the goalies? They get no love. (That's a lie.) How about Most Completely Smoking Hot Goalie? (Yes, I am about as deep as a puddle, but I don't lie about it!) Now, Ray Emery got into hot water with management when he was photographed getting a tattoo and it was in all the newspapers (there's a long story that goes along with that about a bet about eating a cockroach off the locker room floor and $500, but yeah), but frankly, I don't care. Thank you, Sun Media, for putting this into my life. YEAH I THOUGHT SO. I could do without the funky little chin-beard he has going on there, but please. That's like critiquing the landscaping behind the Mona Lisa, people.
Like your goalies a little less flashy and flamboyant? How about a little Henrik Lundqvist? with your coffee? Yeah, I thought so.
He doesn't have ENOUGH hair for you? How about Roberto Luongo? Now, that one may be kind of an exposure-therapy thing, but seriously, "Bobby Lu" is so good he has men in Vancouver volunteering to dump their girlfriends for him. He is one of the best things to hit Vancouver in a long, long time, and they appreciate him every bit.
On a different, but still goalie-related note, we have Who Is The Weirdest Goalie? Now, this category is wide, wide open category because most goalies are on the express train to Bizarro Land with stops in Strangeville, Weirdson, and Completely Batshit. Will it be Antero Niittymaki, whose name I will never be able to spell right on the first try, who once let in a goal because he was too busy watching his own replay on the Jumbotron? No, that makes him Most Self-Centered. Will it be Kari Lehtonen, who was quoted as disliking the new NHL jersey style because he "saw some pictures of [himself] on the Internet and they made [him] look fat"? No, but maybe a close runner-up for Self-Centered. Twitchy Nikolai Khabibulin?
No, this one is a toss-up. On the one hand, we have the challenger, young Peter Budaj of Colorado. Budaj is from Slovakia, which is already one strike in the "weird" arena, but apparently he has abandoned ship and doesn't play for the Slovakian national team any more, which should drive Frantisek Hossa and Julius Supler just about insane. He has a drawing of Ned Flanders from the Simpsons on the back of his helmet. I can't call him completely crazy, though, because he did this one interview and won me forever.
On the other hand, we have the incumbent, the reigning king of lunacy, Dominik Hasek. I LOVE Hasek, like, a LOT, enough that it makes some of my friends uncomfortable. His autograph is truly one of my most prized possessions, although when I met him I was so completely in awe I couldn't even speak. (That's a good story, also the time Nicklas Lidstrom touched my neck, and yes, it deserves to be in bold.) But even I realize Hasek is a nutcase with a nutty filling. Hasek once attacked a sportswriter in Buffalo--like, full-on went after him and ripped his shirt. He has had an opera written about him (and, in fairness, the rest of the Czech national team.) There are pictures of him loose on the internet doing the splits in the shower. He is a big wrestling fan. He has a history degree and is qualified to teach at the high-school level. (I would not have missed a history class EVER.)
I think that about does it for The First Annual All Hockey All The Time All-Star Rankings! Stay tuned. My next entry is going to be all about food.
04 January 2008
Music and hockey don't always mix.
It's true. They're not always well-suited for each other. The ultimate proof of this lies in perhaps the greatest Christmas song ever recorded, Honky the Christmas Goose. [Warning: link plays sound] Recorded by Maple Leafs legend Johnny Bower, it's just...outstanding. My favorite part is how the tempo speeds up and slows down with no real apparent motive. And, it's about a GOOSE, okay? How many other Christmas songs are about fowl of any type? None, that's how many.
"But wait!" I can hear you saying. "There's tons of good hockey songs out there!"
"Tons" may be overstating it a bit. There is the wonderful classic by Stompin' Tom Connors, The Hockey Song. I think it's like a law that it must be played, at least in part, at every NHL game. I know I sing along with it, even if the people I'm with look at me a little oddly. (Hey, they know the words, too. They should make it a sing-a-long. It's easier to sing than the anthems, you know.)
Or how about the classic Hockey Night in Canada theme? Certainly one of the most well-recognized sports jingles out there, I think. Well, the Monday Night Football theme might beat it out, or at least in my house during football season, the NFL on Fox theme song, but I like the HNIC theme better. Even if sometimes they do play some awful version of "Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting," which...okay, I don't make the rules, but I'd rather they didn't and just stuck to what works. Also, once I heard an awesome story about a couple who had the organist play it at their wedding at some point. Which I think is just the coolest thing ever.
And there's all the music they play AT hockey games. Which is usually not so inspired. I think we've all heard Enter Sandman and Play That Funky Music White Boy a few hundred too many times. Where is the new, exciting music? (And I am not speaking here for the staff at Scotiabank Place, who play a lot of fairly crappy "nu-metal" music in some sort of weird attempt to rev up the crowd, when they could just as easily flash pictures of the Buffalo Sabres on the Jumbotron and make people angry.) Where are the daring arena staff playing Helmethead by Great Big Sea? Actually, that might not be such a hot choice, since it contains the line "I'll never win a title and I'll never win the Cup," and is all about a crappy player who sleeps around with lots of women. So, you know, it accurately describes many, many players, but is probably not such a positive message for the young kids at the games.
Speaking of things that are not a positive message, apparently the New Jersey Devils, when they opened the Prudential Center this year, played a montage of clips set to the music of...yes...friggin' Baba O'Reilly by the Who. (Yeah, I know the video says Quadrophenia, and the song is off Who's Next. I didn't make the video, I just needed the song.) CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN THAT TO ME? Ok, maybe Pete Townshend admitted that he didn't even know what the song is about, and I know it has a catchy riff and lots of fun synthesizer bits, but...seriously, "It's only teenage wasteland / they're all wasted" AND SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE IN THE DEVILS MANAGEMENT THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA FOR A VIDEO MONTAGE ABOUT HOW GOOD THE DEVILS ARE. I don't GET it. It's a good song, just...maybe not for this purpose?
And there are plenty of hockey players who have bands! Jocelyn Thibault is an avid drummer, and my mom's perennial favorite ex-player Darren McCarty is the lead singer in his own metal band, which is creatively named "Grinder." And since I don't much care for metal, I can't comment on the...relative decency of the band.
Fun fact for the day: Did you know Chris Chelios is just about to pass Alex Delvecchio in the standings for most games played? Chelios has 1547, and Delvecchio played 1549, and was, of course, one of the greatest players ever to play in Detroit. Chelios has far and away the most games played of any active player, although his next runner-up is a former teammate of his, Brendan Shanahan. Hockey is a small world.
"But wait!" I can hear you saying. "There's tons of good hockey songs out there!"
"Tons" may be overstating it a bit. There is the wonderful classic by Stompin' Tom Connors, The Hockey Song. I think it's like a law that it must be played, at least in part, at every NHL game. I know I sing along with it, even if the people I'm with look at me a little oddly. (Hey, they know the words, too. They should make it a sing-a-long. It's easier to sing than the anthems, you know.)
Or how about the classic Hockey Night in Canada theme? Certainly one of the most well-recognized sports jingles out there, I think. Well, the Monday Night Football theme might beat it out, or at least in my house during football season, the NFL on Fox theme song, but I like the HNIC theme better. Even if sometimes they do play some awful version of "Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting," which...okay, I don't make the rules, but I'd rather they didn't and just stuck to what works. Also, once I heard an awesome story about a couple who had the organist play it at their wedding at some point. Which I think is just the coolest thing ever.
And there's all the music they play AT hockey games. Which is usually not so inspired. I think we've all heard Enter Sandman and Play That Funky Music White Boy a few hundred too many times. Where is the new, exciting music? (And I am not speaking here for the staff at Scotiabank Place, who play a lot of fairly crappy "nu-metal" music in some sort of weird attempt to rev up the crowd, when they could just as easily flash pictures of the Buffalo Sabres on the Jumbotron and make people angry.) Where are the daring arena staff playing Helmethead by Great Big Sea? Actually, that might not be such a hot choice, since it contains the line "I'll never win a title and I'll never win the Cup," and is all about a crappy player who sleeps around with lots of women. So, you know, it accurately describes many, many players, but is probably not such a positive message for the young kids at the games.
Speaking of things that are not a positive message, apparently the New Jersey Devils, when they opened the Prudential Center this year, played a montage of clips set to the music of...yes...friggin' Baba O'Reilly by the Who. (Yeah, I know the video says Quadrophenia, and the song is off Who's Next. I didn't make the video, I just needed the song.) CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN THAT TO ME? Ok, maybe Pete Townshend admitted that he didn't even know what the song is about, and I know it has a catchy riff and lots of fun synthesizer bits, but...seriously, "It's only teenage wasteland / they're all wasted" AND SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE IN THE DEVILS MANAGEMENT THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA FOR A VIDEO MONTAGE ABOUT HOW GOOD THE DEVILS ARE. I don't GET it. It's a good song, just...maybe not for this purpose?
And there are plenty of hockey players who have bands! Jocelyn Thibault is an avid drummer, and my mom's perennial favorite ex-player Darren McCarty is the lead singer in his own metal band, which is creatively named "Grinder." And since I don't much care for metal, I can't comment on the...relative decency of the band.
Fun fact for the day: Did you know Chris Chelios is just about to pass Alex Delvecchio in the standings for most games played? Chelios has 1547, and Delvecchio played 1549, and was, of course, one of the greatest players ever to play in Detroit. Chelios has far and away the most games played of any active player, although his next runner-up is a former teammate of his, Brendan Shanahan. Hockey is a small world.
08 December 2007
This is why hockey players aren't media moguls
There is a lot of press about how hockey can't seem to penetrate major markets. One of the reasons may be hockey commercials. You see, they vary. They vary between awesome, hilarious, etc., and mind-meltingly awful. However, the awesome and hilarious ones are catering to a fairly limited sector of the population who are going to find them funny, and an even more limited sector that actually enjoys the camp value. And the mind-meltingly awful ones have universal bad appeal.
You want to see a decent Nike commercial? This one, with Naslund and Kovalchuk, from a couple years ago, is pretty good. It's a cool concept, with bits of actual humor (look at the referee's and then the coach's expression--highly amusing!) and--this is key: it involves VERY LITTLE ACTUAL ACTING. This is because hockey players are generally very very bad actors. See: Good commercial.
A bad, bad commercial that I cannot for the life of me find on Youtube right now is that one that they keep showing on TSN (and, I'm sure, other networks, but I don't really see them) with the awful dark lighting and players that I cannot recall like...rolling over each other's backs in order to score goals. It's awful. There is not one single redeeming factor about that commercial, and it doesn't even come across as "cool" as they keep hoping it will.
You want to see a bad commercial of a different stripe? I have three: This tragic Blackhawks commercial about soda, this tragic one where they can't decide what to watch on the TV they inexplicably have in the locker room, and this one just in general. You know what the common thread is, here? (Don't say the Blackhawks. That's only partial credit.) THEY ALL INVOLVE ACTING. Look, man. They are TERRIBLE actors. Even if they sat around and talked like that in real life--which I can't see just because I don't think Marty Havlat would bother hanging around most of his teammates--they couldn't pull that off. It's just not good! Does that make you want to watch the Blackhawks play hockey? I hope not.
This is a bad commercial because it is boring as all get-out, and Ted Nolan is not an especially attractive man. That's the best you could come up with, Islanders Organization? Really?
You want to see a couple misguided but extremely funny anyway commercials? Here and here, both of which are from the amusing nation of Slovakia for, I think, the World Cup. Both feature arguably attractive young women who are very, very poor actors, being surprised in daily activities by a three-piece band of nutty Slovakian hockey fans with...musical instruments. No, I don't understand it either. Just watch them, seriously, you will laugh.
The whole set of NHL commercials that were running a couple years ago, the "[Player X] is just here to remind you that the season's starting soon," those were pretty good. Although this one with Peter Forsberg is somewhat terrifying, just because of the whole concept of Peter Forsberg being in someone's bed besides his own, with his "I will eat your soul" eyes. But this one, with Marty Turco, is very awesome as well, if only for that guy's delivery of "Okay! No music!" Seriously, who is that guy? He needs his own show.
Another set of NHL commercials I really really really enjoyed were the "NHL players are just like you and me!" commercials. I'm torn over which is my favorite: Joe Thornton's inability to eat toast, because that one was actually my life after the past week since none of my three roommates nor I could remember to buy margarine at the grocery store and had only rock-hard butter to eat on or toast, OR Ovechkin's inability to buy chips out of a vending machine. That commercial is the awesome reason whenever I'm directing someone, I shout "I said left! Left!" in a heavy Russian accent, but since no one but me remembers that commercial, I come across as a lunatic, not an...impersonator of hockey commercials, which I guess means I fall into a different category of lunatic.
The same set had the unbelievably awesome NHL Roadtrip commercial, which if you've never seen, you need to watch, like, immediately. It is all KINDS of awesome. (Except for the Staal brothers, who are just creepy as anything.) It has again, Ovechkin being kind of weirdly hilarious and ordering a shitload of food in Sidney Crosby's name, Sidney Crosby being not only hideous but a terrible actor, and about a dozen other players just generally being stupid and hilarious. My favorite part? "What are you doing?" "Nothing."
And, of course, the "Swedish Twins" commercial. This is a really really awesome commercial, if only for the Sedin twins dancing around. Honest to God, every person in that commercial deserves to be just heaped with awards. The first time I showed this to my dad, he nearly had a stroke from laughing so hard. That's how awesome it is.
Now I feel like I watch too much TV. So I'll finish off with this commercial, which at least makes me feel better about my addiction. The more hockey you watch, the tougher you get.
[And a thank-you to the beyond awesome girls over at Untypical Girls for linking to me! Sorry about the Stars losing to the Sens, guys. But...the Sens really needed the win. Please don't hurt me. You guys rule!]
You want to see a decent Nike commercial? This one, with Naslund and Kovalchuk, from a couple years ago, is pretty good. It's a cool concept, with bits of actual humor (look at the referee's and then the coach's expression--highly amusing!) and--this is key: it involves VERY LITTLE ACTUAL ACTING. This is because hockey players are generally very very bad actors. See: Good commercial.
A bad, bad commercial that I cannot for the life of me find on Youtube right now is that one that they keep showing on TSN (and, I'm sure, other networks, but I don't really see them) with the awful dark lighting and players that I cannot recall like...rolling over each other's backs in order to score goals. It's awful. There is not one single redeeming factor about that commercial, and it doesn't even come across as "cool" as they keep hoping it will.
You want to see a bad commercial of a different stripe? I have three: This tragic Blackhawks commercial about soda, this tragic one where they can't decide what to watch on the TV they inexplicably have in the locker room, and this one just in general. You know what the common thread is, here? (Don't say the Blackhawks. That's only partial credit.) THEY ALL INVOLVE ACTING. Look, man. They are TERRIBLE actors. Even if they sat around and talked like that in real life--which I can't see just because I don't think Marty Havlat would bother hanging around most of his teammates--they couldn't pull that off. It's just not good! Does that make you want to watch the Blackhawks play hockey? I hope not.
This is a bad commercial because it is boring as all get-out, and Ted Nolan is not an especially attractive man. That's the best you could come up with, Islanders Organization? Really?
You want to see a couple misguided but extremely funny anyway commercials? Here and here, both of which are from the amusing nation of Slovakia for, I think, the World Cup. Both feature arguably attractive young women who are very, very poor actors, being surprised in daily activities by a three-piece band of nutty Slovakian hockey fans with...musical instruments. No, I don't understand it either. Just watch them, seriously, you will laugh.
The whole set of NHL commercials that were running a couple years ago, the "[Player X] is just here to remind you that the season's starting soon," those were pretty good. Although this one with Peter Forsberg is somewhat terrifying, just because of the whole concept of Peter Forsberg being in someone's bed besides his own, with his "I will eat your soul" eyes. But this one, with Marty Turco, is very awesome as well, if only for that guy's delivery of "Okay! No music!" Seriously, who is that guy? He needs his own show.
Another set of NHL commercials I really really really enjoyed were the "NHL players are just like you and me!" commercials. I'm torn over which is my favorite: Joe Thornton's inability to eat toast, because that one was actually my life after the past week since none of my three roommates nor I could remember to buy margarine at the grocery store and had only rock-hard butter to eat on or toast, OR Ovechkin's inability to buy chips out of a vending machine. That commercial is the awesome reason whenever I'm directing someone, I shout "I said left! Left!" in a heavy Russian accent, but since no one but me remembers that commercial, I come across as a lunatic, not an...impersonator of hockey commercials, which I guess means I fall into a different category of lunatic.
The same set had the unbelievably awesome NHL Roadtrip commercial, which if you've never seen, you need to watch, like, immediately. It is all KINDS of awesome. (Except for the Staal brothers, who are just creepy as anything.) It has again, Ovechkin being kind of weirdly hilarious and ordering a shitload of food in Sidney Crosby's name, Sidney Crosby being not only hideous but a terrible actor, and about a dozen other players just generally being stupid and hilarious. My favorite part? "What are you doing?" "Nothing."
And, of course, the "Swedish Twins" commercial. This is a really really awesome commercial, if only for the Sedin twins dancing around. Honest to God, every person in that commercial deserves to be just heaped with awards. The first time I showed this to my dad, he nearly had a stroke from laughing so hard. That's how awesome it is.
Now I feel like I watch too much TV. So I'll finish off with this commercial, which at least makes me feel better about my addiction. The more hockey you watch, the tougher you get.
[And a thank-you to the beyond awesome girls over at Untypical Girls for linking to me! Sorry about the Stars losing to the Sens, guys. But...the Sens really needed the win. Please don't hurt me. You guys rule!]
02 December 2007
Cold enough for you?
It's winter, for sure--here in Ottawa we have approximately a dozen feet of snow and ice and slush to match. I think maybe the Sens have early-onset cabin fever, because they have been pretty hilariously inept lately. I was at the game against the Rangers yesterday and really, it's not even worth discussing. In fact, let's have a pop quiz:
Question: If your team is down three goals to none ten minutes into the first, what is the best course of action?
A: Just try and ride out the worst of it and take the break to get a grip and start over
B: Start a fight or two to get the dejected drunken fans back into the game
C: Start juggling your line combinations to inject some actual enthusiasm into the game
D: Check all the water bottles to see which of your players have apparently been drinking before and during the game
E: Give up when you notice your coach has been using the whiteboards to play hangman with the equipment guys.
The Sens actually chose Secret Option F, which was "Flail around madly for a while, then start taking penalties to really give the Rangers a sporting chance, in order to lull them into a false sense of security so you can come out swinging in the third and really show them what's what." It failed miserably. There weren't even any hilariously drunk fans by us up in the very last row of the stadium. Of course, it was a two o'clock start, so that may have had something to do with it. On the other hand, they were playing really really badly, so I wouldn't have judged anybody for starting their weekend festivities early.
But there are plenty of other teams that aren't having a six-game suckfest.
Teams Doing Surprisingly Well Going Into The Holiday Stretch:
Chicago: No, really. Havlat is back, thank goodness, and all their little-kiddy forwards are putting in highlight-reel performances every single night. In Chicago. CHICAGO. They are doing WELL. I am floored, but in the best possible way. Is it possible they're bringing back an Original Six franchise for good? God, I hope so.
Minnesota: As long as Gaborik and Demitra are not injuring their groins by slipping on ice or falling down the stairs or stretching weirdly while lying on the sofa or what ever it is that is causing them to go back and forth on the IR like a tag-team effort--as long as they're not doing that, Minnesota is doing surprisingly well. Too bad their defense and goaltending is just boring as all get-out.
Detroit: Well, no one is surprised by this, are they? Unless the entire team suddenly takes off on an all-expenses-paid all-inclusive six-day seven-night trip to Cancun, it looks like they will continue to be in good shape.
Philadelphia: Hork. Too bad I hate them, but they're doing really well. Thank goodness they play in the same division as Pittsburgh and can smack them down on a regular basis, that's all I have to say.
Ottawa: See Detroit, and for Cancun read "anywhere but here," because I tell you what, it is damn cold around here, and they would be grateful for anywhere not frozen over.
New York Rangers: Oh, Henrik Lundqvist, you are making a beautiful thing happen in Madison Square Garden. And in the game yesterday, one of those goals you totally had no chance on. Now if your forwards can get it together like they were doing against Ottawa--although let's face it, Ottawa was putting up very little fight--you would definitely be in the running.
And the converse, Teams Looking Like Death Warmed Over:
Calgary: Oh my goodness. Is there anything right with this team? Kiprusoff's GAA and save percentage is around fortieth. Fortieth. 40. IN THE LEAGUE. At this point Calgary management would be better served by going and standing outside a corner store for a bit, waiting to see who slips and falls on their way out and doesn't spill coffee all over them, and signing that person to a 2.5-million-dollar contract.
Anaheim: Excuse me while I laugh so hard I wrench something in my neck.
Buffalo: Ah, Ryan Miller, of "Two-man advantage: Instagoal!" fame, you're dragging the team down with you.
Florida: I feel bad for ripping on Florida because they're so pathetic, it's like making fun of a three-legged dog because it can't run as fast as the other dogs. Too bad it's so irresistible, because man, some of the plays they make are laughably awful. Do they have defensemen besides Jay Bouwmeester? Would it matter if they did?
Edmonton: What is in the water in Alberta? Is it something about the terrain?
New Jersey: More problems than you can shake a stick at, starting with Martin Brodeur, who is just now starting to get back into form. I think this is the beginning of the end for Brodeur--or not quite, really, because during the playoffs last year he was not looking like his usual sharp self, yet somehow walked away with the Vezina anyway. I think Brodeur is on his way out, and boy, is that going to be hard on New Jersey, because they are just riddled with problems from top to bottom.
Pittsburgh: Hahahahahahaha! I would love to see Sidney Crosby and Friends crash and burn as Pittsburgh management learns that one player--not Crosby or Gretzky or Jesus Christ back on earth and playing No. 1 forward--can carry a team.
Question: If your team is down three goals to none ten minutes into the first, what is the best course of action?
A: Just try and ride out the worst of it and take the break to get a grip and start over
B: Start a fight or two to get the dejected drunken fans back into the game
C: Start juggling your line combinations to inject some actual enthusiasm into the game
D: Check all the water bottles to see which of your players have apparently been drinking before and during the game
E: Give up when you notice your coach has been using the whiteboards to play hangman with the equipment guys.
The Sens actually chose Secret Option F, which was "Flail around madly for a while, then start taking penalties to really give the Rangers a sporting chance, in order to lull them into a false sense of security so you can come out swinging in the third and really show them what's what." It failed miserably. There weren't even any hilariously drunk fans by us up in the very last row of the stadium. Of course, it was a two o'clock start, so that may have had something to do with it. On the other hand, they were playing really really badly, so I wouldn't have judged anybody for starting their weekend festivities early.
But there are plenty of other teams that aren't having a six-game suckfest.
Teams Doing Surprisingly Well Going Into The Holiday Stretch:
Chicago: No, really. Havlat is back, thank goodness, and all their little-kiddy forwards are putting in highlight-reel performances every single night. In Chicago. CHICAGO. They are doing WELL. I am floored, but in the best possible way. Is it possible they're bringing back an Original Six franchise for good? God, I hope so.
Minnesota: As long as Gaborik and Demitra are not injuring their groins by slipping on ice or falling down the stairs or stretching weirdly while lying on the sofa or what ever it is that is causing them to go back and forth on the IR like a tag-team effort--as long as they're not doing that, Minnesota is doing surprisingly well. Too bad their defense and goaltending is just boring as all get-out.
Detroit: Well, no one is surprised by this, are they? Unless the entire team suddenly takes off on an all-expenses-paid all-inclusive six-day seven-night trip to Cancun, it looks like they will continue to be in good shape.
Philadelphia: Hork. Too bad I hate them, but they're doing really well. Thank goodness they play in the same division as Pittsburgh and can smack them down on a regular basis, that's all I have to say.
Ottawa: See Detroit, and for Cancun read "anywhere but here," because I tell you what, it is damn cold around here, and they would be grateful for anywhere not frozen over.
New York Rangers: Oh, Henrik Lundqvist, you are making a beautiful thing happen in Madison Square Garden. And in the game yesterday, one of those goals you totally had no chance on. Now if your forwards can get it together like they were doing against Ottawa--although let's face it, Ottawa was putting up very little fight--you would definitely be in the running.
And the converse, Teams Looking Like Death Warmed Over:
Calgary: Oh my goodness. Is there anything right with this team? Kiprusoff's GAA and save percentage is around fortieth. Fortieth. 40. IN THE LEAGUE. At this point Calgary management would be better served by going and standing outside a corner store for a bit, waiting to see who slips and falls on their way out and doesn't spill coffee all over them, and signing that person to a 2.5-million-dollar contract.
Anaheim: Excuse me while I laugh so hard I wrench something in my neck.
Buffalo: Ah, Ryan Miller, of "Two-man advantage: Instagoal!" fame, you're dragging the team down with you.
Florida: I feel bad for ripping on Florida because they're so pathetic, it's like making fun of a three-legged dog because it can't run as fast as the other dogs. Too bad it's so irresistible, because man, some of the plays they make are laughably awful. Do they have defensemen besides Jay Bouwmeester? Would it matter if they did?
Edmonton: What is in the water in Alberta? Is it something about the terrain?
New Jersey: More problems than you can shake a stick at, starting with Martin Brodeur, who is just now starting to get back into form. I think this is the beginning of the end for Brodeur--or not quite, really, because during the playoffs last year he was not looking like his usual sharp self, yet somehow walked away with the Vezina anyway. I think Brodeur is on his way out, and boy, is that going to be hard on New Jersey, because they are just riddled with problems from top to bottom.
Pittsburgh: Hahahahahahaha! I would love to see Sidney Crosby and Friends crash and burn as Pittsburgh management learns that one player--not Crosby or Gretzky or Jesus Christ back on earth and playing No. 1 forward--can carry a team.
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